Philisms

Selected Quotes from Phil's Books and Speaking (check back often, more on the way)

Quote of the week...

Aging

I want to die young…as old as I can.

My mother is in a nursing home and the doctor gave her six months to live. When he found out she couldn’t pay her bill, he gave her another year.

I think we stay young by keeping our sense of humor in tact. By not wasting time listening to gossip. By inviting friends over to dinner even if the carpet is stained and the sofa faded. I think we stay young by centering our thoughts on things that are pure, lovely, and of good report. By putting our arms out car windows and burning expensive candles before they melt in storage. By getting so excited about the love of Jesus that our teeth can barely keep up with our mouth.

On the day I die I hope I shall have had some chocolate.

Children

If you are the parent of a teenager, here is something you need to tell yourself each and every day. Apart from selling mittens to South Africans, parenting teenagers is the world’s toughest job, so go easy on yourself. Do not compare yourself with other parents who sit in church looking happy and well-organized. Chances are they are heavily medicated and may be hours from being institutionalized. - from the upcoming book Family Squeeze

We had three kids in three years. I told someone: “We’re more satisfied than the guy who has three million dollars. How so? The guy with three million wants more.”

Children are messy and won’t let you sleep a wink. Having three children in three years is like installing a Nascar track in your head.

Cherish these sticky moments while your children are young. Soon they will be teenagers. The only way you’ll be able to keep them home in the evening is to let the air out of their tires! Wait a minute...that's your tires.

Remember: the housework will always be with you, the children will not.

Oh sure, children start out cuddly and they giggle, but don’t be fooled. They are here with one thing in mind: getting you off the planet.

I suppose that part of our success as parents depends on our ability to remember being a child ourselves.

I’ve discovered that the best way for a speaker to gain credibility at family camp is to leave his children at home. 

Grownups have always been suspicious of children. I realized this when I was very small and they introduced me to ice hockey. They strapped blades on my feet, handed me a sharp stick and something called a puck. They pushed me out on the ice, then stood behind plywood sheets and wire mesh and yelled, “Kill him!” They wanted me dead. They knew I was a threat to a long and peaceful life.

Do you ever wonder what kind of parents our children will make when their only role models cared just enough to shed a tear as they walked out the door?

Exercise

If God had wanted us to lift weights, He’d have made our hands heavier. 

Exercise is a good thing and we’re wise to grab for some of it each day. Also, we should eat right. It won’t kill us. Those who subsist on French fries and Cheetos risk having a heart attack each time the toast pops up. I once saw pictures in National Geographic of a somewhat wizened Russian man who, though he had no documents to prove it, estimated his age to be 120 years, give or take a few. He said the secret to his longevity was a pound of bacon at breakfast, a shot of vodka at lunchtime and lots and lots of unfiltered cigarettes throughout the day. There are three things I know for sure about this: 1. He is the exception; 2. He was probably lying; 3. He was probably twenty-nine.

The thing I like about exercise is the same thing I like about banging my head against a stone wall: It feels good when I stop.

Forgiveness

Unforgiveness is like drinking rat poison then standing around waiting for the rat to did.

I talked with a former Buddhist once, asking him what he saw in Christ that he never saw in Buddha. He didn’t even pause to think about it. “Forgiveness for my sin.”

Golf

Golf is a marvelous and maddening game that combines three favorite pastimes from my childhood: doing poorly at mathematics, taking long walks to get away from people, and hitting things with a stick.

Near the small town where I live, you can golf all year around by paying a mere $270 fee. Not that you’d want to. In December it’s colder than a polar bear’s kiss here, and by January the only people on the course are ice fishermen who sit around fires shivering and dreaming of August.

To say I hook the ball is like saying the Sahara has sand in it.  

The doctrine of original sin was much easier to grasp after I spent time on a golf course.

Golf is all about hope. The hope that on the next shot things will be different. That on the next shot something amazing will happen. That on the next shot things will change. We need hope on the golf course; we need it even more in life. Hope that things will improve, that this condition is not permanent, that something better lies ahead.

Homemakers

My wife is a stay-at-home mom. Mostly a stay-in-the-kitchen mom. She works harder than anyone else I know. When we are at public gatherings and she's asked if she works, I'm glad she isn't holding a fork.

If you are a homemaker, let me assure you of this: No one on earth can shape the mind of a child like his mother. The pay may be poor, but the rewards are out of this world.

Joy

The fruit of the Spirit is not lemons.

My wife's sister suffers from Huntingdon's Disease. I wish you could see her joy. Hers is the laughter of one who has discovered the art of Christian living: giving thanks for what we can see and not complaining about what remains in the dark. At the very core, Miriam knows that she is loved by God, held in His arms, and promised the eternal joys of heaven. She has learned that God gives us enough light for the next faltering step, so she rejoices in the little light she’s given, not asking for some great spotlight to take all the shadows away.

Laughter

My wife gets the biggest laughs when I hit my head on a cupboard door. She believes that it’s all fun until someone gets hurt. Then it’s hilarious.

Laughter sure beats Prozac.

Recently we bought a puppy. Mojo cost us $300. $100 per brain cell.

Laughter has no MSG, no fat grams, no carbs. It is low in cholesterol, has no trans fat, and the government still doesn’t tax it. So load up on it every chance you get.

I come from a long line of laughers. My mother believed that the best thing she could do in British Columbia after discovering she left her false teeth beneath a picnic table near Seattle was to laugh.

I am convinced that few weapons are more important in fighting discouragement and difficulty these days than a good sense of humor. Laughter, stress, and worry cannot co-exist. Stress inflates our balloons to the popping point, laughter slowly releases the pressure.

Surely the greatest punch line in all of history is this: that a holy God could love the likes of me.

Marriage

I decided to propose to my wife when someone said, “She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one.”

My wife and I are different. I like to be on time. She does not. It’s like I’m from Switzerland and she’s from Zimbabwe. I’ve asked her to meet me in the living room at 8 p.m. sharp to talk about it.

Men and women have different needs. My wife needs communication, romance, chocolate, flowers, clean laundry, shopping, nurturing, tenderness, protection, a listening ear, family reunions and clothes that fit. Whereas I need food, sex…and I can’t think of anything else offhand.

Just before I came out here to speak tonight a lady waggled her finger at me backstage and said, 'You'd better make us laugh. I've had a tough week!' I've hate it when my wife does this.

Moms

When Robert Ingersoll, the notorious skeptic, was in his heyday, two college students went to see him lecture. Afterwards, one said to the other, “Well, I guess he knocked the props out from under Christianity, didn’t he?” The other replied, “Ingersoll did not explain my mother’s life, and until he can explain my mother’s life I will stand by my mother’s God.”

Money

Pay your credit cards off each month. If you can’t, clip them to the forks of your child’s bicycle and see how much noise they’ll make.

Some love the peace of mind of driving a new car. I have found even greater peace knowing that no one in town is going to steal my 1976 Dodge Dart.

If wealth can’t be found in a loving family, I don’t know where to look.

Money won’t buy happiness, but I’d like to research this for myself.

Relationships

The next best thing to being smart yourself is to hang out with people who are.

Every conversation is an opportunity. A chance to encourage or discourage, affirm the positive or dwell on the negative, celebrate victories or rehash failures, draw people to Christ or push them away.

Success is not defined by the stuff we grab, but by the footprints we leave. Our incomes don’t define success. Our legacy does.

Rest

No one in history accomplished more than Jesus, yet He did so without acquiring an ulcer. There is nothing productive about a coronary. There is nothing spiritual about a nervous breakdown. Rest allows us to recharge our batteries and reorganize our priorities. In fact, rest is Christlike.

It’s easier to rest in peace when you know that your Father is awake.

When we had three children in three years, we learned to seize whatever peaceful moments we could get. It was the calm before the scream.

Prayer

Recently I asked myself, “When was the last time my children saw me on my knees when I wasn’t looking for the remote control?”

Do your children know you pray for them? When I was tempted to stray far from God, I could not erase from my mind the memory of my mother on her knees. She is eighty now, and still praying. Mom sees a GAP t-shirt and she knows what it stands for: God Answers Prayer.

School

I was home-schooled until the age of five, at which point my mother gave up on me and handed me over to the government. -Phil, in a speech to public school teachers

Skinny

I was a skinny kid. I was swimming in a lake one summer and a dog came out to fetch me three times. I was the only kid on our block who could stand under power lines during rain storms and stay dry. I couldn’t even keep a Speedo in its rightful spot—without suspenders.

Stress

I’m busier than a wasp at a barbecue.

One night my son watched me work. He said, “What you working on?” I told him. He asked, “Why?” I patiently explained that I had so much to do that there weren’t enough hours in the day. He squinted at me and said, “They should put you in a slower group.”

The Bible tells us that there will be no tears in heaven, no sickness, no mourning, and no answering machines.

Life is not a sprint, it’s a marathon.

This is the Aspirin Age and my head is pounding. We live in Tylenol Times. What I’d like more than anything is to lie down for a full hour without a cell phone going off. If I had the time, I would sit down and write a letter…Dear Guys Who Come Up With More Stuff: Please stop. We’re fine. We have enough RAM in our computers and enough room in our trunks. Our jets go fast enough now. Please work on an invention that slows us down. That brings families together. I’m still trying to figure out my VCR.

Stressed? Take a humor walk. Don’t come home until you’ve laughed about something. Be careful. My mother started walking when she was thirty-eight. She’s eighty now, and we don’t know where she is.

Ask yourself a simple question: Who will cry at my funeral? Then hang out with them.

Stuff

Seen any ads on TV lately? Advertisers are spending billions convincing us we are miserable. “You don’t drive a blue Mercedes like this one. You poor thing. You don’t eat bronzed chicken in a perfect kitchen with perfect lighting and perfect children who laugh at all your jokes while the Labrador retriever lies at your feet flea-less and grinning.”

If your neighbor’s grass is greener, remind yourselves that his water bill is higher, and he has to cut it more often.

Success

I will consider myself a success when I’m walking close to Jesus everyday. When I’m building a strong marriage, loving my kids, and performing meaningful work. I’ll consider myself a success when I’m making others homesick for heaven.”

Teenagers

I have a simple rule for teenage girls who phone to talk with my sons. Your call could be monitored by our customer service department.

Do you remember when boys chased girls. Now girls chase boys. They are aggressive. They’re like hungry lionesses preying on limping antelope. One called our house to talk with my son. I said, “Is this Edna or Diana or Sarah? There are so many, I get you mixed up.” Trust me. This works.

Help! My children are all heading into ministry. I’ve checked Fortune 500 and Money magazine. There are very few ministers, missionaries, and camp directors listed there. I will reach retirement age in twenty-two years. Who will pay for my medication?

Kids grow up fast. The day comes when you’ll even miss their music. Even if it sounded like someone killing chickens with a jackhammer.

Television 

TV wired our kids; books helped them unwind.

Do you ever wonder what kind of grown-ups today’s children will become after viewing thousands of acts of violence and adultery before they are old enough to clean their rooms? Do you ever wonder how children can make eternal decisions surrounded by people who can’t see beyond the moment?