Valentine's Quiz

You may not be able to ski Canada's Rocky Mountains like Phil and Ramona (right), but why not sit down with your spouse and some hot chocolate, then find out how well you know each other with Phil's award-winning humor quiz. You'll have just as many laughs and you won't hit a tree.

For Guys Only

Guys, how much do you know about the state of your marriage and the gal you wake up beside each morning? How she thinks. What makes her tick. And why she asks you to move furniture in the middle of the night. Take this quiz and find out!

The movie your wife will most want you to rent on your next anniversary is:
A. Lethal Auto Combat 6 in 3D
B. Something with foreign people talking foreign with words at the bottom
C. Anything so romantic you won't care if you see the end of the movie

The thing your wife loves whispered in her ear is:
A. Quotations by Homer
B. Quotations by Homer Simpson
C. Sweet somethings

For your tenth anniversary, the gift your wife will want more than anything is:
A. That plaid BarcaLounger for two with his and her cup holders
B. What? We have an anniversary? When?
C. Chocolate and flowers and your undivided attention (to her, not the chocolate)

How often do you have marital relations?
A. When I say so, woman
B. We haven't had the relatives over since the Thanksgiving Jello Fiasco
C. I'd love to answer that question but my wife and I haven't seen each other in an hour and a half

Your wife asks you, "What were Humphrey Bogart's famous words to the lovely Ingrid Bergman in the romantic film Casablanca?" You respond:
A. "Go ahead, make my day"
B. "First rule of Fight Club, don't talk about Fight Club"
C. "Here's lookin' at you, kid"

The last thing you said to your wife today before you left for work was:
A. The kids are up and they're eating bowls of Mega Choco Zingo Puffs with salad tongs
B. Yikes! You may want to put some concealer on that
C. Can't wait to see you tonight

On your fortieth anniversary the song title that best describes your sex life will be:
A. "I Say A Little Prayer"
B. "Yesterday"
C. "Oh What a Feelin'" (Dancin' on the Ceiling)

How to score:
If you chose only the "A" answers, your chances of scoring tonight are not that good. Please go to the "C" section of the yellow pages, and look up "Counselor." If you gravitated mostly to the "B" responses, your funny bone is in good working order, but you could still use a little help. Please take an aspirin and renew your Marriage Partnership subscription in the morning. If you chose "C" five or more times, waytago! Sounds like some tenderness, a good sense of humor, and a servant heart are keeping your marriage fresh.

For Gals Only

The following quiz is intended to help you discover how well you really know the guy in your life. You may want to fill it out with your husband. Then again, you may want to take it into the bathroom, lock the door, and let him wonder what you're snickering about.

The gift my husband most loves to receive on his birthday:
A. Socks. Lots and lots of socks
B. Flowers and cute underwear
C. Cheesecake. Served by me—wearing only socks

After a tough day at work my husband loves it when I:
A. Gripe about the way his belt doesn't match his shoes
B. Gripe about the way my belt doesn't match my shoes
C. Ask about the big game

My husband's nickname for our bed is:
A. Old Lumpy
B. Headache Generator
C. The Hibachi

After he uses the facilities at our house, the toilet seat is:
A. Don't ask
B. Glued in the upright position
C. Like our marriage—sometimes up, sometimes down

Outside the bedroom, my husband's favorite activity is:
A. Standing near the fitting room, holding my purse while I try on outfits in multiples of five
B. Going to the video store to help me decide between all the Julia Roberts chickflicks
C. Figuring out ways to get us back in the bedroom

How do you and your husband like to settle differences of opinion?
A. We don't disagree. I'm the queen
B. He spends the night on the plaid BarcaLounger
C. A good discussion, some black forest cake, and … well, none of your beeswax

On our twenty-fifth anniversary, the song title that will best describe our sex life will be:
A. The theme from Mission: Impossible
B. "Wishin' and Hopin'"
C. "Oh, What A Night!"

How to score:
Give yourself one point each time you selected "C." If you did so at least five times, it is now safe to come out of the bathroom and show your husband what you've been laughing about. If you circled only "A" or "B," stay in there and take the test again. Collect 100 bonus points if you smiled at least twice during this quiz, and 1,000 more if you resolved afresh to love the guy God gave you.

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